12.31.12

by cjra

in some ways, in most ways, it’s not really the shock of any action you took. it’s mostly the sadness, the surprise at how willingly delusional i could be. and how just a casual remark can affect me so much. and i mean, this happens all the time, to so many people who are lonely, true. to so many girls, young women. and the hardest part is really believing that it is not my fault. but if you know in your heart something is going to happen, hell you just speculated about it in your little journal a month ago, why would you try to avoid that truth? i guess, our inner worlds, our inner stories we wish so hard were touchable, help us cope with the fuckedupness of the rest of everything. i mean i guess it makes sense that i projected the resolution of past pains onto a person i very much admired, someone i thought possessed all the necessary qualities to function in society i didn’t. i never wanted to admit that’s what was happening, again, but knew it was true.

hello girl. the places you went with him, the things you did in your head never existed, but they existed for you because of you. that one you want to love is your self. or at least, you might think she deserves it (let’s work on this). if he wanted to have you, you would have been had by now.

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