black coffee brown sugar with chocolate

by cjra

it’s cold januaury days like these that remind me of the carpeting in our college campus apartment. walking in from the clear night sky, getting my glasses all fogged up.

today i had my last volunteer shift at the public library in my hometown. before saying goodbye (but not forever), my favorite librarian insisted on hugging me. i always avoid saying i won’t be back, but for some places i can never tell. as of now, i can’t say i know the future about my college campus, either.

one of those nights, my friend k came over to see my roommate ina and i. we were so tired, our muscles tense from hunching over in this academic world. it was cold and dark except the soft lamplight, and ina was kind enough to give a back massage while we sipped down cups of water. they laughed hysterically when they realized how sensitive my spine was. all through the years somehow my ticklish nature had been hidden. no one had really touched me, platonically even, and i craved that closeness of sisterlike friendship. during my classes i would see girls soothing each other’s shoulders, gently twisting each other’s hair and become jealous. this had nothing to do with sexual desire of course, but the loneliness.

it’s just good. to think about the ways we make connections and why we say goodbye to those places. places in time, i’m talking about. because really, all i want is to go back sometimes because i know now–the things taken for granted. that’s just the pattern, i’ve noticed.