apricot milk

. . . like apples of gold in pictures of silver — memory, etc.

Month: November, 2013

c

i thought to myself for a long time with nothing in my hands and an engine rumbling under my legs. this morning was cold, but not so bad. although the coffee lost its heat five minutes after waiting for the bus. a thought i’ve been having is

‘what if everything i’m thinking right now is what i’m actually saying’ in a way

and everyone around me ignores it & they ignore it. is this a bad thing to think or what someone breaking up or down thinks? my therapist told me i’ve placed everything in tiny boxes. so when we go into them, when we work our arms over them, we might dream about being underground. or almost pulling on our mother’s hands.

i try to focus on things that seem constant. like the flock of geese calling this morning over the parking lot, the radio towers on the hills and their slow red blinking. makes me look forward to going somewhere. ever since i was a girl lying in the backseat, watching the powerlines move in waves against blue sky.

trying

there’s a weight in my stomach i can’t seem to get rid of tonight; my therapist cancelled our session because she was sick and that’s not the problem, it was my simple slip up of not checking any messages. she texted, apologized twice and that was sweet but i still almost cried. it’s just hard getting there. the woman passing as i left the wall i had been leaning against looked vaguely concerned. if anything, at least i took a good photo and a walk today.

and i don’t know if i should call you, or how–you caught me off guard two weeks ago when you said “i’m definitely thinking of you” in a voicemail; i think about the smell of you i miss i can’t place anymore, and also the time when i met you for the day, you told me the night before it was with another woman. you told me the story. about how i am uncertain of the space around me, but certain i feel this pull to the way you were gentle.

i want talking to you, being with you to mean i do not have to be small. i am tired of staying internal and making the heart curl up. i want to put it outside in the rain and mud.