i’m sitting here with coffee and bagel, feeling better than i have felt in a while. this last week especially, my thoughts turned sour and too sad. too preoccupied with the future, with the fact that i am very monogamous and maybe falling for a poly boy (but i am hypocritical here because girls girls girls). he texted me yesterday: i’ve been thinking about you, i’m happy for you.
i laid awake last night in bed, looking at the ceiling, aching over the changes that i know i need to make but i don’t know how. but i’m trying. i have finished so much recently, learned so much about myself and my ability to push through, to be productive even when i think what i’ve made is not coming from a passionate place (not anymore). i can hardly write anything that seems good enough, even when others tell me it’s wonderful. i want to get rid of all the clothes i don’t wear anymore, the things i don’t need, the grown out strands of hair.
but all this desire means i have been making many appointments lately. yesterday was to see if my lower body was alright (physical sexual therapy, she suggested, and we giggled), and today, the biggest thing, a free initial session with queer positive therapist for september. hopefully that sunday will be on a bright weekend. i’m sososo nervous–i’ve never spoken with her, i only like her website (colorful) and her location (downtown). but it’s worth a try.